All Cried Out

This tree always makes me think of my Grams. It is the tree we planted in our back yard in remembrance of her life. Every Autumn it turns bright, blazing red, and righty so, as Grams was a strong, stubborn redhead. This apple didn’t fall far from those roots. They run deep. This past Friday I looked at it and the leaves had almost all fallen to the ground. I often cry in late October when I see it because she passed away October 21, 2007 just 2 months after our sweet Maxwell was born. This year, however a deep, dark cloud loomed despite the warm sunshine.

There is no doubt 2020 has taken a toll on the entire world. For our family, the cost has been immeasurable. Just when I think I’m all cried out another wallop comes along. Shortly after the new ‘normal’ of the pandemic set in this Spring, the matriarch of our family, my Grandma Nancy passed away on April 15. The grieving process has been looooong and is most certainly still ongoing. I dream about her all the time and often wake unable to sleep reliving the grief of losing her all over again. I’ve revisited parts of my childhood, smelled her perfume and felt her presence so strong it’s been hard to breathe. And just this past Saturday our patriarch, Grandpa Doug, was reunited with his bride in eternity. Talk about hard to breathe, friends.

I’ve been bed-ridden since last Thursday evening due to a Fibromyalgia flare-up and have been too sick to deal with my emotions. Today the Lord is telling me it’s time to feel. Even though the leaves on my Grams’ tree have all fallen, my tears for my Grammy and now my Gramps have only just begun. I know I will see them both again…and Grams as well…but in processing all these feelings…its just not right without them here. Heaven feels so close when those you love are there. It’s just another reminder along with the pain I feel every moment of everyday that it isn’t supposed to be this way. It’s broken. My body…and my heart.

If you’re like me, you try to keep busy to avoid feeling the feels. Sometimes you have to just turn and face it. Whether that means getting out aggression by punching something or screaming into a void or opening the floodgates of tears…there’s a time for everything and we need to make time for our feelings. Take it from a stuffer…even the year 2020 isn’t all cried out!

 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

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