Day 18- All in my Head

One of my biggest fears and anxieties upon being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia was that people would assume that the pain was all in my head…that it wasn’t real.  And believe me, it happens.  In fact even I didn’t understand how real it is until I was diagnosed with it.  It was really hard for me to accept that something wasn’t right in my head…as in my brain.  Does this mean I’m crazy?  This is one of the reasons I hid it and only told people either when I had to, or whom I really trusted in my pride and knew would not judge.

Fibromyalgia is a musculoskeletal medical disorder characterized by widespread pain believed to be caused by overactive nerves resulting in the brain processing pain signals incorrectly.  It appears to stem from neuochemical imbalances and the activation of inflammatory pathways in the brain which then results in abnormalities in pain-processing..  The chronic pain is also accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues among other symptoms including very often IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and other digestive issues.  In other words it is real, and really is neurotically in my head.

I saw my primary physician today whom we are so thankful for and we know that God has led us to him.  The unbearable symptoms I have been having after the spinal stimulator implant surgery he thinks are due to a Fibromyalgia ‘flare up’ of sorts…my brain isn’t processing the “shock” (no pun intended) correctly and in essence is wreaking havoc on my body.  It has been awful.  Therefore some medicine dosage increases are necessary which even a year ago I would have been stubbornly against.  Sistie <3But thanks to God answering the fervent prayers of countless friends and family I was able to get out of the house and run some errands with my sistie as my right hand woman and chauffeur (she’s the best), and I really saw a light at the end of the tunnel.   I was able to do so much more today and felt more like myself since even before surgery.  I am so thankful.

Double the promiseThen this evening there was a huge rain shower and just before the sun set for merely a few moments a double rainbow appeared.  Again…no coincidence when I am joyfully being able to care for my children after school and my 2 sweet boys exclaim, MOM!  Look at the rainbow!!  And my dear friend seconds later (who has been my very own personal nurse for years now) texts from across the street, Do you see the double rainbow!?  It was God speaking…showing me His great faithfulness.  That His promises are for me, too.  He wasn’t going to let me miss this, friends!

You see, for so long I was afraid to admit that something was ‘wrong’ with me.  That something wasn’t right ‘in my head’…that it’s all made up in some hypochondriac fashion.  The fear originated from the fact that people…like I once was…assume that chronic illness isn’t real…or that one who is seemingly cursed ‘deserves’ it for some reason.  I regrettably believed that for too long.  I refused to be labeled, pitied or judged.  But what God has done and shown me through this illness I never would have been able to see by being well.  I have found blessing and closeness with the Lord in that only He knows my pain and suffering…because He went through unimaginably more…for me.  The broken, scarred body that I see is nothing compared to His.  Nothing that I face, that couldn’t even touch me if He didn’t allow, is too much for Him to bear.  And I can carry any cross if He’s the One that carries me.

He’s got this.  He’s got me.  And today was a good day for a great day.  Praise God that the problem isn’t the device that helps me so much…but the problem that started it all in my head.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

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