Last week while home with 2 sick boys and I openly confessed on Facebook that I have never watched The Princess Bride. Many responses were Inconceivable! I know, right!? How had I never watched this movie!? It.is.so.great!
While that confession was easy…others are not. They say that honesty is the best policy. Sometimes just getting something off your chest is so freeing. Other times, doubt creeps in. Should I have said that? What will they think of me now?
A few weeks ago I was asked to confess much deeper things at a women’s conference. With God’s strength and peace I was able to openly confess that believing is hard sometimes. I shared that how I face unbelief is holding onto what God says. As I face another surgery tomorrow, I feel led to share today what I shared then…praying anyone who is facing doubt, fear, anxiety, despair or sadness will simply hold on…
I say I believe.
I think I believe.
In my heart, I know I believe.
I want to believe.
I do believe! Lord, help my unbelief. (Mark 9:24)
When I wake in the morning, just like a thousand days before, pain surging through my body, I think… I can’t face this day…He says that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
When I walk into yet another doctor appointment, like hundreds before, with a smile on my face and my head held high…yet deep, deep down…I still have this persistent, perpetual pessimistic doubt. This isn’t going to work. This doctor, this appointment…this test, this medication, this procedure…its no different. They’re all the same. Its not going to work. I’m beyond repair.…God says I am the Lord, your Healer.” (Exodus 15:26)
When I say But God…You didn’t heal my body! I’m still sick! He says “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:9)
When my accuser comes at me and screams If you just had more faith, God would heal you! God says Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. (Ephesian 6:10-11)
When I question…why this road…why this pain…why this plan…why this heartbreak…He says…I work ALL things together for your good. (Romans 8:28)
When I am riddled with guilt….chained by the failures of my past…He says…I have forgiven you…I have cast your sins as far as east is from the west. (Psalm 103:12)
When I doubt that all of this has a purpose…He says…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)
When I doubt my worth…and hide behind a smile and a great pair of shoes…He says…from the inside out…I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139).
When I am weak…and weary…He says…Come to me…My yolk is easy and My burden is light. (Matthew 11:30)
When I and paralyzed by fear for my husband and my children….for their health, their wellbeing, their safety, their futures…thinking I can care and plan for them better than He can…God says…Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
When I don’t think I can fight…or even stand another second…for this battle is just too brutal…and darkness looms over me, He reminds me…greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)
When I feel so alone…isolated…feeling as though no one could possibly understand…He says I know how you feel. I will never leave you or forsake you. (Matthew 27:46, Deuteronomy 31:6)
When I look at myself…all I see is a broken, battered body covered in scars…and then Jesus tells my heart…Am I not the same?…I went through it all…for you. I love you that much!
I believe You.
I say I believe You.
I think I believe You.
In my heart, I know I believe You.
I want to believe You.
I do believe. Lord, help my unbelief.