Have you ever felt like you have to start all over again? Like years and years of progress have been erased in a single moment? Has it ever seemed that every effort you’ve made, every step you’ve taken, every bridge you’ve crossed has just been completely wiped out and you have no choice but to begin again?
Today was just that for me…a day of toil and tears. I left a doctor appointment feeling on one hand so grateful that God has provided such wonderful physicians to care for me…and on the other feeling so devastated that my body seems to be right back where I was 12 years ago. When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia…something I didn’t even know existed… my world came crashing down. I didn’t think chronic pain was “real”. This HAD to be something else. When the reality set it in…this is, in fact, very real…I decided to pick myself up and do all I could to combat and fight this horrible disease.
This time, it’s different. I’m different. While it seems I have made no progress in 12 years, that simply isn’t true. My faith has grown exponentially. Now I know where to turn. My faith is no longer in doctors or drugs, detox or dress in an attempt to pretend and hide the truth. This time I am running straight to the arms of Jesus. I am not back to square one….I am back to the One.
I want so desperately to be “myself” and do what I do…go where I go…be who I am. Monday morning I woke up determined to get back to it. It’s a new year and I wanted a new me. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be well. I tried to ignore the signs and symptoms and have a positive attitude. God had other plans. I ended up in the emergency room that very night.
I hear You loud and clear!
Right now, this is me. Sick. Very.sick. It’s hard to accept…heartbreaking in fact. But this time, I choose to trust. I choose to be…not do…and not give into anxiety or stress over the ‘not doing’. I choose to surrender and do whatever God tells me to do, whenever He tells me to do it.
Just now I remembered the verse God whispered in my ear on Monday when I wondered what He was doing as my plans were trumped by His.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
When others ask how I am doing expecting and hoping for a good report, I have to be honest. I keep using the phrase we are not out of the woods…but every step counts. It is going to take time to build strength and endurance and seek out what God wants in a new and more difficult season…wilderness…wasteland of this illness.
Be still, my soul.
One of my favorite quotes is by Oswald Chambers. He said, “If God can achieve His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?”
Tonight I am thankful that in my heartbreak I know where to turn. I am thankful that I am not back at square one. I am thankful that I have been brought back to the One.