I love the Special K commercial…you know the one where the women shop for jeans and they find out there are no sizes…as in numbers…on the denim! The sizes are size radiant and size strong. The title is more than a number…to which a woman called so freeing. Hmm…
I walked into my bathroom earlier this week and saw a note my husband had left for me. It’s sort of been haunting me actually. Last year for Valentine’s Day I made him a Pinterest-inspired gift that allows me to write all the reasons I love him since I’m not always the best at telling him. He in turn uses it to sweetly write notes to me as well. The latest note says “You are so wonderfully made.” I read that and began to question.
Me? With all my medical issues and surgeries costing you how much? Me? With my constant up and down weight because I can eat…and then can’t… and can barely move let alone exercise? Me? Wonderfully made? Uh-oh!
Lord, help my unbelief.
Just earlier this month I posted that I am so thankful for Psalm 139. I posted that I am thankful for God’s terms of endearment for me and my confidence in who I am in Christ. Sure, I’m confident. But, am I? Do I believe it when I look in the mirror? I think sometimes I believe it more for others. For that brand new sweet baby, for the beautiful friend who cannot see how marvelous she has been made by her Creator, for my precious children…but not always for me. I so easily see the beauty in others…but for myself I don’t just see the imperfections…I tend to focus on them.
I thought I was free from this. But I find I can still be so influenced by things other than the Truth of God’s Word. When comments are made about how great I look after being sick and loosing weight…I believe it. When I begin to be able to eat again and have to grab the larger size, I believe somehow my worth is in the smaller one. When I go to yet another doctor appointment, if the number is lower than I thought, I’m suddenly having a much better day. But when it is larger, I beat myself up. When I think I am finally healthy and strong another ailment rears it’s ugly head, I sink back into doubting my purpose.
What I am thankful for today is that I am more than a number on a scale or the size of my jeans. I am thankful when I struggle with doubts, fears and uncertainties of any kind, I can always go back to find freedom and rest in the Truth. I am thankful that I don’t have to believe or please anyone but God. I am thankful that in His eyes I…everyone…is fearfully and wonderfully made. I am thankful that God sees beauty not in my appearance, but in my heart. I am thankful that I have a purpose in God’s plan and He uses ALL things for my good. I give thanks today to God who is my strength and Refuge and ever-present help in my unbelief.