I sat down early this afternoon in my quiet, empty house…just me, my piano and God. I knew I couldn’t sing with my usual strength…the celiac artery goes right through the diaphragm, apparently-? Who knew? Needless to say there was no belting it out today. I found an old worship songbook from high school (copyright 1995!…songs I never hear anymore) this past weekend while going through boxes at Nathan’s parents’ house and there was a particular song I was looking for. Trying to find it I flipped through the book singing as I went down memory lane.
As I softly sang tears just uncontrollably streamed down my face. These are songs I sang nearly 2 decades ago and thought I knew what they meant. I thought I knew…but I really had no idea (a reoccurring theme in my life). Songs like May I Be His Love, and My Life is in Your Hands. I look back and, sure, I had faith…baby faith…but nothing had ever really tested it…made it real…took it from my head to my heart. When the tests came, I failed…miserably! I look back and I am so ashamed. I cried out…God…how could I let you down!? Why would you rescue me from drowning? I screwed up! It was my failure that made me realize how much I really need Him. That’s when I really understood His love…not just in my head…but in my heart. All of those terrible things I did, though I don’t deserve it, He lovingly threw them…and continues to throw them…into The Sea of Forgetfulness...another song I used to sing.
Some people ask…believers and unbelievers in Jesus alike…Why does God allow this or that?…Why does God do this or that? How could there be a God when this or that is happening in the world? My response is that God didn’t break this world…we did! It started in the garden and has been broken ever since. Our heritage, our lineage is that of a fallen, sinful race. I look back on my own mistakes thinking I knew better than God…that my way was better…and I don’t deserve an ounce of forgiveness. I showed zero faith when I ran to everything else but Jesus for comfort when the storms of life arose. But because His hand was upon me in His amazing grace when I chose to chase things that are not in His plan for me, when I am in pain and despair, when I weep in sorrow over my mistakes…The Anchor Holds.
I used to sing that song ALL the time. I loved it. I always skipped the I have been young part because I was young, very young. But I am older now and every word of that song rings true for me now. I am bruised and battered from the storms of this life, from a broken heart and broken dreams, but my Anchor is Jesus and through it all He has not.let.go. He will never leave me or forsake me on this journey. It was the storms that ultimately led me to really see and believe Him and Who He is…and who I am to Him.
Today I give thanks to my great God in this storm for being my Rock, my Shelter, and my Anchor and for never letting me go.