For most of my life I tried my hardest to hold in my tears as if they were something to be ashamed of. I believed they were a sign of weakness and vulnerability, a complete waste of time and for no good reason. I did everything I could to hide and stuff the emotion of my broken, fragile heart pretending it wasn’t the least bit bruised or battered. If I had to cry…I would do it in secret. If my secret was discovered, I would almost always lie to cover up the real reason. I believed that big girls don’t cry. Forgive me, but what a bunch of poppycock!
This morning I cried. I just was so sad. I was sad to be in pain. I was sad to be home again on another Sunday morning instead of worshiping with my church family. I was sad that I cannot sing. I was sad that I cannot bend over to wash my kitchen floor. I was sad that I cannot do much of anything. I was sad that it feels like I will never be normal again (whatever that means). I was sad that I have no idea what is going to happen. I was sad for the sorrows of others whose hearts are broken as I prayed for them. I was just sad. And guess what? That’s OKAY! It’s okay to be sad! It’s okay to cry! I am SO DONE being ashamed of emotion. I am so over worrying about making someone else uncomfortable with my tears. The reason…I know the Truth.
One verse changed my belief about my tears.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
The Lord sees me and knows the reason for each and every tear. He keeps them. That means they are not wasted or useless. It means that when I am weak, He is strong. The all-knowing, all-powerful God cares about my emotion. It doesn’t matter if anyone else cares or sees or it makes them uncomfortable. He weeps with me. If there is anyone who knows what I am going through, it is Jesus…because He went through it first. There isn’t an emotion I have felt that He hasn’t, except that He handled them perfectly.
A few years ago I was stopped dead in my tracks with a question in bible study. When you finally meet Jesus…what do you think He will say to you? That questions stirred emotion up from the deepest place in my soul. I began to weep. To finally meet Jesus means that the pain and the strife will finally be over, forever! For someone who awakes to struggle through each day…something that no surgery will ever fix…it’s hard to even imagine what it will be like with no more tears and no more pain. That glorious day cannot come soon enough…to which I try so hard not to focus on it too much because I know and trust I am here for a reason. There are days I long for the promise of heaven. What I heard the Lord whisper to my heart on the day I finally meet him as He wiped them away was…No more tears. You’re done. You’re with Me now. It’s over. You’re safe.
I used to avoid the book of Psalms…but now I need it. I need to know that it’s okay to feel. I need to know that my feelings don’t have to define me. I need to know that I can pour my heart out to Jesus and He will prove His mercy. Friend, it’s okay to cry. Let your tears fall. Jesus knows and He holds them all. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We can run to Him. He wants us to come, however we are. Brokenness is His business…and no one does it better for nothing else can soothe a hurting soul like the arms of Jesus. Don’t be like me and believe the poppycock and stubbornly push Him away bottling everything up for years until you spiritually and emotionally implode. It might seem like the better way, but believe me, it’s NOT! Turn to Him TO-DAY! Don’t wait.
Today I am thankful that I can cry without shame. I am thankful that not all tears are sad tears…that they are tears of joy and healing, rescue and redemption. I am thankful that I can completely and totally be honest with my Savior because even if no one else can, He can handle my emotion. I am thankful that He knows and He sees and He cares. I am most grateful that there will be a day when I finally meet Jesus face to face, and He will wipe away my every last tear and because of all He has done, there will be no more tears and no more pain because He is making all things new.