Today I got out of the house for 4 hours! I got to go to Target thanks to my sister and her putting up with me walking very slowly and wandering around aimlessly. Other than doctor appointments, tests and procedures this is a record for me since falling ill 2 months ago. I was slightly annoyed seeing all of the Christmas stuff given…it is in my opinion robbing my beloved Thanksgiving…but it also reminded me that I am grossly unprepared for Christmas. I have a total of 2 gifts purchased and cannot even begin to decorate my house. But the big, fluffy falling snowflakes, the smell of Starbucks peppermint mocha at the checkout, Mint Holiday M&M’s (making up for the fact that I can’t drink a peppermint mocha), the up-beat Christmas music in my sister’s car (she has great taste), and the fact that I got out of Target for $22 (this never happens!) helped my mood become a much less grinch-ish. Did I mention my sister is VERY patient with me?
Speaking of Target, someone asked me today what it has been like to process my emotions since receiving the news of my diagnosis a few days ago. It has been really hard for me to hit the bullseye in terms of my feelings. On one hand, we are so thankful that God moved the mountain for the doctors to discover what is going on and that He has led us to the surgeon He has. But having so much time between now and my first visit with her can really bring up feelings of impatience for us. I have also had so many feelings of guilt that I am not able to fulfill my many responsibilities and that others are having to carry my load. Today as I was out and about I couldn’t help but feel like I have completely missed a huge chunk of time…and it was my favorite season of the year! Normally I look forward to Christmas but I feel overwhelmed that I will not be able to do what I normally do for my children, family and friends or be able to attend gatherings and parties and I feel so inadequate this year. I don’t want to let anyone down.
When I am feeling as though I should be doing this right now…or I should be here or there…or I should be able to do this or that, God gently reminds me that right now I am right where He wants me to be…which is almost always at home. I don’t have to be anxious or fearful, or feel as though I am not pulling my weight. This is the time for me to know that there is a season for everything and I don’t have to hold onto those feelings or own them as if they define me. I can immediately release them to the Lord. When those feelings come I am grateful that God keeps me right on target with His Truth that He is in control and has a reason and purpose for all of this.