Why am I here? Who am I supposed to be? What am I doing? Where am I going? When am I going to get there? How am I supposed to get there? We’ve all asked those questions, right? In the midst of changing thousands of diapers, folding hundreds of loads of laundry and making meal after cleaning up meal in an endless cycle it’s easy to get lost. Working the same “job” day in and day out…having the exact same routine everyday…why? I’ve found myself asking that exact thing. It wasn’t until I looked outside myself that I found the answer.
There is an undisputed quest for the American Dream…we are essentially brainwashed to think we have to achieve it…the house, the cars, the spouse, the kids, the good life. None of which are inherently wrong…but in and of themselves they don’t bring true joy. And…how do we get there? We work hard, we study, we get good grades, we go to college, we graduate, we get a job and whala…it just happens, right? We earned it, we deserve it, don’t we? Well reality has sunk in the past few years in the good ol’ USA and that’s just not true anymore. In order to succeed you have to be the best. No easy feat. And if you achieve that being the best gives the best a big head. Pride. I suffered from it for a long time. Pride is a sin…and unfortunately a respectable one at that in our society…especially when chasing the American Dream.
It’s dangerous for one to find their worth in themselves…or in what they do…or in anyone else in this world for that matter. I can wrap myself up in being the best wife and mother…and I did…and be proud of that…and I was…but it will not last forever. I might have a good long run, but it’s going to run out. Then what? I need to focus on what does last forever! I was the best employee for a long time and that got me nothing but a paycheck and a strong resume…both of which don’t really mean much to me now as a stay-at-home mom. We all focus on here and now and we try to plan for the future with goals and priorities and portfolios…but why? To be smart? To take care of our families? Or…are we all just trying to control our destinies? How do we invest in things that do last?
Like I said having it all isn’t wrong. I have it all…more than I could’ve asked or imagined…but thinking I got here all in my own merrit…that’s wrong. I didn’t do it on my own. And the things the Lord has given are gifts from Him not to be worshiped…He is. God’s amazing grace in my life is why I have what I have. Those things are His. My life is His. I used to say I’ve worked for everything that I have…I simply cannot say that anymore. It isn’t true. I look upon the face of my wonderful, loving husband and know it’s because of God’s grace that we will be married 10 years next week. I look upon the sweet faces of our babies and know that they are gifts from God sent in His perfect time to rescue me. Us buying our home 5 years ago last week had God’s fingerprints all over it. It is all because of God’s grace…we didn’t earn it…He gave it.
The truth that virtually no one wants to admit is that we don’t deserve a single solitary thing. We don’t deserve the air we breathe and it isn’t until something breaks us that we start to ask…why me? I had to be broken. This strong-willed redhead had to be blessed…that’s right…I said blessed with chronic pain and BROKEN before I could realize I am NOT in control, I DO NOT deserve anything, I DID NOT get here by working hard and doing all of the right things. There is Someone far greater behind the scenes who should get all the glory…for each and every one of us.
So what is my purpose? How am I supposed to live? How do I get there? Who am I supposed to be? Why am I here? The answer…I am here to glorify God…whose grace has overwhelmingly filled my life…who saved me…and embrace His plan for me…even if I don’t know exactly what that is…in unending gratefulness….in ALL that I do. That means in changing thousands of diapers, in folding hundreds of loads of laundry and making meal after cleaning up meal I am to do all of it to the glory of the One who made me…who loves me…who gave Himself for me so that I might live FULLY in thankfulness storing my treasures in Heaven, not on earth, knowing it’s ALL about HIM!
Wonders of HIS Love 
Well said Jen! I feel like that’s a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again. Us type A acheivers have a hard time soaking up grace sometimes….cuz we’re so busy working for something that could never be earned. It’s oh, so sweet to finally get it and just be in awe of how much He gives and how little I deserve it! Thanks for writing about it… and for living it!