Today, this last day of lent, from the bottom of my heart thank you to all of you who have stuck with me in this season of prayer, fasting, reflection and writing. Your love and support has been so very encouraging. I will be honest…I am looking forward to taking a little bit of a break from writing every single day, but I am praising the Lord for the communion I have had with Him these recent weeks. I am so thankful for the things He has revealed to me…things He has shown me that if I had not been listening I would have missed…the “Ah-ha” moments He has given me…and that He would even care to share them is still beyond what I can comprehend. This I do not wish to end…but rather continue in this journey focusing on Jesus and what He wants…not on the distractions of this world and what I want.
Many have asked and I am sure others are wondering what the Lord has revealed in my John 12 Project Lenten prayer request. My answer is quite simple.
Lord, here I am. I am Yours.
As for His answer, the Lord has not clearly spoken as to whether He wants me to be a surrogate mother for my family member. He may, He may not. I do know that He has told me to simply trust Him, and I do. So I guess the John 12 Project doesn’t have a clear end…it’s really a beginning. The beginning to my constant and continual communication with the Lord. Trusting Him minute-by-minute to show me the way. It’s a confirmation…an affirmation that His ways are not mine. That His plans for me are immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. That everything He has done for me I do not deserve. That though I inevitably struggle in this life and fail miserably, His grace is enough for me. That the only way I can thank Him for ALL He’s done for me is to give Him ALL of me…and ALL of me would include my uterus for 9 months if that’s what He wants!
It’s really quite simple…if God wants me to be the oven for someone else’s bun…He’s going to unmistakably, powerfully and undeniably show me and pave the way. He can do that…He’s God. I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to stress. I don’t have to research or plan or obsess because the Almighty God of heaven and earth will direct my path. I believe God is going to do something BIG…I just don’t know exactly what that is. I believe there is a reason for all of this intense prayer and trust and stretching of faith. Even if it was just to bring me to a place of being His willing servant it is an understatement to say it was well worth the journey. At this point I know there is no way I could say “no” to Him.
Many of us have sung the words All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give. Did you mean it? I can say I might have had good intentions but in reality it was more like All to Jesus (except this, or that and certainly not my family…and my home, and….) I surrender…. I sang this song a very, very long time ago in the church I grew up in. But listening to it now I am sobbing because I have to confess that I sang it in vain. Back then I had no idea what it meant to surrender all. It sure sounded good and it was a great idea…but I had no clue what it meant to lay everything down and give it to Jesus. At age 15…what did I really have to lose? My biggest problem was “Oh…what if I sing flat?” Fast forward 15 years and suddenly I’m hanging onto my life…my husband, my children, my home, things, comfort…with a kung fu grip. This last 6+ weeks has opened my eyes and my heart to honestly say ALL to Jesus I surrender, ALL to Him I freely give…yes even my uterus if that is what is required. I hope that one day I have the chance to sing that song again and actually sing the words in truth.
I can say ALL to Jesus and make the decision today. But…I must also make it tomorrow…and every tomorrow thereafter for the rest of my life here on earth. Jesus told us in Luke 9:23 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”…as in EVERY day. Just like my life is much different than it was 15 years ago…it will be different tomorrow…and next week and next year. Tomorrow God might not ask for my uterus…but something else. Next week it could be something bigger…next year something harder…in 15 years something inconceivable to me today. Why did it take me 30 years to get this? I really think it’s because I had to be prepared to be ready to lose something for the Most Worthy who gave everything of Himself for me. To be able to say that my richest gain I count but loss…that love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all because when I’m singing those hymns…if I don’t mean what I say…then I shouldn’t say it.
So…3 tissues later…what comes next? God only knows! I know it will be immeasurably more than I can ever ask or imagine. Stay tuned my dear friends…and thank you!