I woke up this morning at 3:30 a.m. to Maxwell turning on the bathroom light and promptly heading back into his bedroom-? My first thought was that he had to go potty but no…he just wanted the light on. Since he was up I had him go potty but I thought it was odd that he actually woke up in the night? Once that boy’s out, he’s out. I usually leave the light on to help him go to sleep and the super efficient energy-saving mentality drilled into me by my husband turns it off once he’s asleep and it’s not usually an issue, but apparently that might not work…or at least it didn’t last night.
Maxwell’s behavior has been a bit peculiar all around lately. He has really been wanting to be with me-? Not that it’s bad…it’s just not normal because I’m a constant so usually anyone other than me is way more fun. Usually he would much rather be with his dad and on Saturday he decided he wanted to run errands with me instead of help lay the tile floor…despite his very own brand new tool belt his daddy got him! Then this morning he had an absolute thermal meltdown because I was going to leave him at preschool and go to bible study…which I do every single Tuesday. How dare I! “I want to be with you!” He cried. He has never screamed when I left him at preschool…not ever! His teachers were shocked that he was fussing but I had to leave…and I did…with my baby boy sobbing and waving in the window…it was torture!
I used to sing this song all the time…”In the Light” and it was in my head when I woke up this morning…well..for the 2nd time at 6:30. It was one of my favorites growing up but I realize certainly not in coincidence, like Maxwell doesn’t want to be in darkness…I want the Light in my life. It’s not just something to sing about in a great and popular song from yester-year. It’s not something I have…it’s something I do by choosing it…by choosing the Lord over myself…minute by minute. I don’t want to stay in darkness trying to fumble my way around and running into things because I can’t see. The Lord showed me this morning at 3:30 a.m. exactly what I’ve been searching for so long through the uncharacteristic actions of my little boy. The light bulb literally came on..not in my head…in my heart. He’ll show me the way. I don’t have to try to find it. Phew…that’s reassuring!
I have to say that like Max my behavior lately has been a bit odd as well…not in a bad way…but not normal. You see I’ve really been craving the Lord’s presence when typically and stubbornly I try to take things into my own hands. I usually totally trust Him with the big things in life…but the small stuff…the control freak in me tells me I can handle that. Well He’s been working on me, slowly but surely. After a day filled with stumbling yesterday now I can see that I need Him in my everyday life…not just when I can’t make a big decision or I’m in a big mess or I’m really frustrated…but all the time. I knew it in my head…but now I feel it in my heart. His peace, His love, His security just melts away fear, stress and anxiety because those things are not from Him. The busyness of life just doesn’t seem to matter when I focus on what He wants me to do.
Unfortunately I cannot always be with Maxwell and he will soon get over this separation anxiety I’m sure. But I want to always be with the Lord…and I can be. He is always with me after all…ignoring Him and trying to go my own way will not get me anywhere…except fumbling around in the dark. Frustrations won’t end and temptations won’t cease and life is sure to be hard, but when I feel like I’m slipping into darkness, I know where to find the Light. Needless to say if Maxwell wants the light on…I’ll be leaving it on if not only for him…a reminder for me.