Though I stumble…


Jackson is so very close to walking.  Last night I came up the stairs from the basement and he was standing between the sofa and the table all on his own.  He had a proud-as-a-peacock look and started taking a few steps.  We cheered him on as loud as we could and he started to wobble…then stumble…then BOOM…down he went.  Unfortunately he ended up fitting his forehead on the corner of the wall leaving a bit of a shiner.  Needless to say he had enough walking for yesterday so I scooped him up.  After all he did say “tank you” right before that…big day for our big 13-month-old! 

Most people are surprised that I want Jack to walk but this kid is already into everything…and he’s a tank.  It’s taking a toll on my arms to carry him everywhere and he will much more enjoy it outside instead of being strapped in the stroller all the time.  I know he will walk when he’s good and ready…but for now he’s still stumbling.

I woke up with this song in my head this morning and I wasn’t quite sure why the line “though I stumble though I fall” kept running through my mind.  I kept thinking about Jackson…but God had other plans.  I woke up with a great peace all the while singing this song in my head.  Mornings are really hard for me but I really felt the Lord’s presence and prayed to keep it.  I got up and got completely ready before waking Emalynn up.  Everyone was in a great mood and we were headed out the door on time…and then frustration hit. 

I had to walk back into the house 4 times for things we had forgotten…then Maxwell’s carseat straps wouldn’t release to loosen…then we couldn’t find his mittens and he kept saying “My hands are freezing!’ when normally he won’t even wear them…then I had to load up laundry to take over to my mother-in-laws because our tile isn’t done in the laundry room…really!?  So much for being on time. 

I often say “Why is everything so difficult for me?”  This morning on my 4th trip back inside for my sunglasses because of the blinding morning sun I asked this of God out loud.  He responded with a thought in my head… “Because you’re human and you live in a broken world.”  I wrestled with Him all the way to school.  “Yeah, yeah I know…but why do I keep giving into it?  I’m better than that…aren’t I?  Why do I let my frustrations get the best of me?  I don’t want to be grouchy mommy….I want to be happy mommy…but no matter how well I plan…no matter how much I lay out the night before…no matter how I try to control everything it still falls apart.”  Ah…it is supposed to and THAT’S when I have the choice to make.  THAT’S when my true character is revealed.  EW…I don’t like that so much.

Sometimes I feel like Jackson…like I’ve had enough of walking and I just give in and crawl.  It’s as if once I’m tempted to give into frustrations it’s a slippery slope into a terrible, awful, no-good day.  I so desperately want to walk with Jesus hand-in-hand all day, everyday and when those difficulties of my flesh come along I all too often stumble.  I just wish I could pick myself back up again sooner and not hit that slippery slope of complaining and turmoil.  I have so far to go.  But God…He’s glorious.  He’s the light I’m chasing and running toward because there’s just nothing like it.  That peace that only He can give is something I crave.  I know that I can never be sinless, but my desire for an obedient life is so strong.  The perfectionist in me doesn’t like letting Jesus down…yet I continue to do things that do. 

Sometimes it is really hard for me to understand why…why does God still love me even though I do this?  Then I think about my children.  When they disobey or get frustrated…I don’t love them any less.  I want to help them.  I want what is best for them.  I want Jackson to walk and until he does I will keep helping him get back up and when He can’t do it on his own…I’ll pick him up and carry him.  Things are always going to be difficult for me…so I think I’ll let God keep picking me up because I simply cannot do this on my own..and I’m certainly safe there!

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.  Romans 7:15 NLT

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