Dumb and Dumber

Sometimes I find it easy to look at other people’s mind-numbingly stupid decisions and think “Two and a Half Men is right…it would take at least that many people a lifetime to be that dumb!”  The truth is I think I could probably have my own reality show.  You know those things that make you say “D’oh!”? I don’t even like Homer Simpson but I’ve said and done some doozies I’ll tell ya ranking right up there with Jessica Simpson!  I was reminded of just a few of  them today.  I will admit I certainly didn’t always chuckle in the thick of these situations but looking back…they are quite funny!  We’ll start with a shoe story because…well…why not?!

On our 8th anniversary I was 6 months pregnant with Jackson.  Now…a little background…it was the beginning of November and I was due 3 months later in the beginning of February.  Just to give you an idea of how big I was 6 months in, as November approached so did the people asking me anxiously “So, when are you due!?”  I would reply “February.”  You could see their eyes immediately get larger, their smiles fade, they would look down at my protruding belly, look back up at me, and while they stepped back slowly say “O-oh!”  I would reply slightly and increasingly more annoyed with each passing day “Yes, I know…I’m huge and very ready to have this baby but yes, I have 3 months to go.  He’s not quite baked.”  So on this special 8th anniversary I was feeling like, you know, I should at least try to be sexy for my husband and dress up and wear high heels.  He is the BEST husband in the entire world after all!  I’m not talking 2 or 2 1/2 inch heels, oh no…I busted out the sky-HIGH heels.  We went to dinner at my beloved Reds on the River.  I of course ate too much because if I can’t drink a glass of wine at Red’s then by george I’m going to eat and you bet your bottom dollar I got the dessert trio.  I remembered we had to get milk on the way home.  So we walked around Meijer, got something for breakfast the next morning for Max & Ema and…shocking…my feet started to hurt in these calfhair platform peep toe stiletto giraffe-print beauties…so did my legs, my stomach, my tush…you know everything when you’re 6 months pregnant with your 3rd baby.  So we got back in the car and drove home.  When I went to get out of the car I stepped one foot onto the garage floor and immediately pain struck…you guessed it…the biggest charlie horse you can imagine and I screeched with an ear-piercing “AAAAHHHHH!” about 4 times and practically fell to the floor.  My husband, my sister who was inside, they both about had a heart attack thinking I was dying and, oh no, I was having a leg cramp because I ridiculously tried to be sexy for my husband with fabulous shoes when in reality I could topple over at any second.  Not a good idea…and very, very dumb.  Did I learn my lesson?  Probably not because when it comes to shoes I typically have no logic…just like calories when I’m pregnant…no logic whatsoever.

My next example is a cooking story because who doesn’t have one of those!  A few months ago we had some dear friends of ours and their sweet girls coming over for dinner.  As a busy mom of 3 my crock pots are my friends!  I had two crock pots going and to save counter space put them on top of my smooth-top stove.  About an hour before they were to arrive I decided to make homemade macaroni and cheese for the kids since I knew they would like it much more than the pulled pork I was making.  So, I got out a pot and thought I had started the burner the pot was on to boil the water for the pasta.  I went downstairs to get an extra folding chair and as I was walking upstairs I heard Nathan say “Baby…is something burning?”  I walked into the kitchen and my small crock pot was literally at a 45 degree angle on the stove top and slowly sinking, black smoke was billowing and the smell of burned plastic was atrocious.  Needless to say, Mama turned on the wrong burner.  I am still thankful to God that Nathan was home to spring into action…yes I’ve married a super hero…seriously…and not only save our house from burning to the ground but on top of that save the potatoes, air out the house completely before our guests arrived, and of course show everyone who came over within the next week my melted crock pot and the dumb thing that I had done because I can now laugh…especially when he asks “Hey baby…make sure you turn on the right burner.”  When I remember this story I am so thankful that God protected our children and our house from potential catastrophe from a very, very dumb thing I did.

Ah-hem…moving on.  There was a month back in early 2009 that I had a love/hate relationship with our coffee pot.  I’ve never been one to make very good coffee so that is Nathan’s department.  I was in the midst of painting our main and upper floors at this time so I was tired and cranky from late nights and every morning NEEDED coffee.  Me being the neat freak I am, I hate it when there is anything…and I mean anything…in my kitchen sink and Nathan would take the grounds out of the coffee maker and set the filter in the sink…not throw them in the trash…but set them in the sink.  In his defense, he was letting them cool before he put them in the trash…probably in an attempt NOT to burn our house down but as you’ve already read, I don’t think about such things.  Every Saturday morning for 3 weeks straight I kid you not I spilled those darn wet, gross, stain-my-rug coffee grounds because for some odd reason I couldn’t stand them in my sink or get them to land in the trash can.  On the 3rd round I was so mad my sister could hear me yelling from the driveway and it was March…no windows or doors open…just Mama in freak-out mode.  “Are you KIDDING ME!?  WHY can’t I seem to throw these things AWAY!  If I have coffee grounds on my kitchen rug ONE MORE TIME…” (ding, dong) and I was interrupted by the door bell.  It took a long time for Nathan with his genetically-infused wit to work up the nerve to say “Be careful with those”…or “Do you want me to show you how to throw these away?”  It’s funny now but those blasted coffee grounds sure got the best of me.  God has brought me much peace since then and like I’ve said before…the 3rd child really helped me lighten up quite a bit!  God sure knows what he’s doing that’s all I can say.

My last example is most certainly a “Jessica” moment equivalent to “Is this chicken or fish?”  I am notorious for ditsy comments…especially when I am with my sister.  She brings it out of me I guess and she ends up looking like a witty genius…not that she isn’t because she’s hilarious, but it’s usually at my expense.  A few years ago I was at my parents house and I was cutting up cheese for my kids to have a snack.   I was using a poor quality knife and was about 1/2 way through and said “Gol darn it…I broke the knife!”  My sister asked perplexed “How in the world did you do that?”  I am after all not exactly a strong person.  I blurted out “I cut the cheese!”  Everyone, even my children were laughing at me.  So now every time I am cutting cheese this story comes up.  Yup, mama cut the cheese.  BAhahahaha!

Now of course there are many, many more stories of dumb things I’ve said and done, but to save myself from complete and utter embarrassment I think I’ll hold onto those.  While it’s good to be able to laugh once in a while and find joy in the trials, big and small the Lord has placed in my life, the reason I can laugh is because I have true joy…joy and peace that can only be found in Him.  Not everyone has that.  In all seriousness there are some not-so-funny dumber things I have done in my life.  The Lord was part of me and I still allowed myself to abuse drugs to escape severe and intense pain.  I still shopped uncontrollably and covered up my illness with fabulous high heels and designer labels.  I still became self absorbed and delusional.  Yes, I’ve been mind-numbingly stupid…and the scary thing is I didn’t even realize it!  The truth is we all fall from time to time…but who is the one picking us back up?  No matter what we’re turning to, if it isn’t Jesus, then it’s wrong.  Not even the strength of two and a half men can pull us out of the darkness we can get ourselves into.  I have no room to be throwing stones at anyone because I’m living in a glass house…but I can pray that that they find Jesus to rescue them from the consequences of being dumb and dumber…because He’s the ONLY one who can!

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”  John 8:7

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