Giving in

In the past week there have been many moments I have felt the exact opposite of the character Kathleen Kelly played by the adorable Meg Ryan in the movie You’ve Got Mail.  In the beginning of the movie she runs to her computer, turns it on, goes online and cannot wait to her those three little words “You’ve got mail.”  I’ve been blogging for one week now and what I thought at first was going to be fun and exciting and therapeutic, similar to the friendship between Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox, has in many ways been all of those things…but it’s also been a little scary!  Turning on my computer has suddenly opened Pandora’s box!

It all started a few weeks ago when I was asked to share my story for thousands of people to hear.  I knew it was something I needed to do because I had been running for far too long.  You see God has been revealing things to me for a very long time and until that day I was very content keeping it all to myself.  It’s kind of like this blog.  When a friend asked me if I had a blog I thought “no, but I probably should”.  What started out as something exciting and new has turned into something I feel like I have to do.  You know when you have that feeling inside that tells you what the “right thing to do” is.  We commonly call that our “conscience”…but it’s more than that.  I’ve always been a “good” girl.  I always had to follow the “rules”.  But, I ignored that still small voice for a long time….that voice being the Holy Spirit.  I don’t think He was silent, I just don’t think I was listening and it’s hard for me to admit it, but I was indeed wrong.

This past week people have been using words to describe what I’ve been doing as “brave”, “inspiring”, “strong”, and “courageous”…but I don’t think those words describe me at all!  If it had not been for the few people I told about sharing my story beforehand and their diligent prayers for me I would have never been able to go through with it!  And every time I type a post for this very blog I struggle with indecision when it comes time to click “publish”.  I look at that little blue button and think “Why in the heck am I doing this?  Is it really going to matter to anyone?” and fear and doubt begin to set in.  It would be so much easier to just stay silent.  But I can’t live like that anymore even if it means putting myself “out there” and giving in to being vulnerable. 

The only way I can describe what’s going on and why I’m doing this is God.  I don’t know who is reading this…I don’t even know what I’m going to write about tomorrow or if I will be prompted to write at all and taking credit for what is on here all in my own merit would be wrong.  I love that people have been “inspired” or that they can relate and in all honesty I’d love to just post  “fun” stuff…but I don’t think that’s what God has in mind entirely.  While this has taken me far beyond my comfort zone (for instance acknowledging I have a shoe problem or that my child was uncontrollable…not something I readily like to admit) it is healing me from many years of emotional pain and suffering.  It’s as if once an idea pops into my mind I can’t stop thinking about it until I’m done.  I gave into something way beyond myself and it isn’t like me at all!  I have no idea where it’s taking me and for this control freak it is terrifying!  It’s as if I have a new job and I don’t know what the job description is and the pay is nothing tangible but the blessings are priceless.  It’s a mystery that even I can’t explain.  Sometimes when it comes to God things just don’t make sense to us at first…and that’s okay with me.  I know I just need to be obedient. 

Is God telling you to do something?  Have you been running just as I have?  Is there a nagging thought in the back of your mind that just won’t seem to go away day after day?  Maybe it’s mending a broken relationship.  Maybe it’s giving to someone else in need.  Maybe it’s giving something up that you’ve been hanging onto.  Maybe it’s simply stopping in the midst of all the chaos and really listening to God through His Word.  Maybe it’s that you need to come to Him and really surrender your life instead of trying to make your own plans.  Is there something stopping you?  Are you like me and standing in your own way? 

Remember at the end of You’ve Got Mail when Joe, played by Tom Hanks, and Kathleen are parting for what she thinks is the last time before she goes to meet NY152?  She has no idea NY152 IS Joe Fox.  She knew she and “Mr. One-hundred-fifty-two insights into my soul” were the perfect match and didn’t think she would end up with Joe, but she was overjoyed when she saw him at their meeting place and realized they were in fact the same person.  She said “I wanted it to be you so badly”.  If you do what God asks of you, you will receive an unexplainable sense of peace that only He can give.  You may not receive tangible blessings and things may not turn out the way you think they will, but they will turn out God’s way, which in my experience is SO much better “than all we ask or imagine”.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.  Psalm 32:8

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